Xerox Research Centre Europe (XRCE): Media Backgrounder

Xerox Research Centre Europe (XRCE) is based in Grenoble, France. It is the sole European part of the global Xerox Innovation Group (XIG) led by Hervé Gallaire, Chief Technology Officer, Xerox Corporation and created in 2001 to conduct exploratory research and invent next-generation technologies. XIG, and XRCE in turn, employs scientists who invent new technology, experts who obtain and protect the patents and intellectual property, and managers who deliver the technology to the three Xerox business groups: Xerox Global Services (XGS); Production Systems Group (PSG); and Xerox Office Group (XOG).

XRCE focuses on services that help people access and share documents and knowledge, regardless of device, format, platform or language, from the desktop or remotely. It coordinates research, engineering and the TeXnology Showroom, a customer showcase for Xerox research and a technology exchange forum. XRCE’s development team validates research technologies, ensuring that they meet scalability, reliability and other engineering criteria. XRCE technologists work directly with early adopters, feeding their input back to the researchers as they continue development.

Ultimately, XRCE technology will often be either transferred to Xerox Global Services to be used in Xerox’s consultancy offerings, to the Xerox Office Group for value added services, or licensed to a third party for commercialisation as an end-user application or system. XRCE is also in charge of developing connections within the wider European scientific community through collaborative projects and partnerships.

XRCE employs 100 personnel, led by Monica Beltrametti, vice president and centre director, XRCE. She is responsible for strengthening Xerox’s research programs in Europe and developing connections within the wider European scientific community while creating new business opportunities for Xerox in solutions and services. She also oversees the European technology showroom that each year hosts hundreds of customer visits.

Graham Button is director of the laboratory at XRCE, responsible for the coordination and implementation of research programmes from conception, to know-how and technology transfer. His studies of work practices have brought value to Xerox in a number of diverse fields, and he was a leader in the original XRCE “Office of the Future” project, some of whose concepts and technologies have been adopted by Xerox business groups.

Graham and Monica lead the XRCE team in its four R&D competencies: content analysis; document structures; image processing; and work practice. This also includes collaboration on a number of projects with the other Xerox research centres including Palo Alto Research Centre (PARC) in California and the Imaging and Services Technology Centre in Webster, New York.

XRCE was established to explore future spaces, the same reason PARC was created in the 1970s, i.e. to invent the office of the future. By the early 1990s, Europe was rapidly becoming a creative and expanding R&D environment. Xerox therefore decided to open a European research centre in 1993 to contribute actively to the vision of helping people with their document intensive business processes. Document content analysis being recognised as an important requirement, it had an even stronger meaning in Europe with its diversity of languages and business processes.

XRCE is structured into four complementary research areas:

1/4 Content analysis consists of four core linguistic technologies that are used to build different content management software applications: finite state technology (FST); machine learning; parsing; and semantics. Further detail on this department can be found in the XRCE: Media Backgrounder - Content Analysis Research Area document (see contact details below).

2/4 Document structure is aligned to the increased adoption of extensible mark-up language (XML) by the IT and internet industries, and the sheer potential of XML as a language of communication between disparate systems. Further detail on this department can be found in the XRCE: Media Backgrounder – Document Structure Research Area document (see below).

3/4 Image processing specialises in images captured by digital cameras, and continually builds on developments made in capturing images in hostile environments. ‘Hostile’ refers to an environment where poor lighting, shadows, skewed documents, smudges or any other factor that causes the integrity of a document to be compromised may reduce image quality. Further detail on this department can be found in the XRCE: Media Backgrounder – Image Processing Research Area document (see below).

4/4 Work practice concentrates on: improving understanding of the way in which work is organised; and improving understanding of how a particular type of customer is working i.e. a specific vertical industry sector. Both of these areas link closely to the Xerox Global Services business group. Further detail on this department can be found in the XRCE: Media Backgrounder – Work Practice Research Area document (see below).

For more information, please refer to www.xrce.xerox.com or contact...

‘All thumbs’ approach to messaging will mean more pressure on operators

Ghost-written article for Steve Buck, Vodafone & LogicaCMG.
Published somewhere in the UK, 2003.

Any network operator expecting personalised content or MMS-based functionality to be a hassle-free source of increased revenue may be in for a nasty shock. Whilst it’s true that manufacturers increasing the choice of camera or MMS-compatible handsets will ensure more users are introduced to the functionality, there are underlying problems with it. Everyone can see the potential of personalised content on mobile handsets, but who has mastered its delivery in a way that consumers actually like?

According to all the network operators I’ve spoken to this year, most consumers try MMS once or twice, have the service fail, and then give up – never to use it again. In general, consumers expect all new technology to be ‘plug and play’, especially when used to a diet of Instant Messenger, free web-based e-mail services, and the Vodafone “Live” and O2 “Active” offerings. They want it now, and don’t expect to have to spend any more than a few minutes learning how to use it. The reality of MMS alone is some way from this, and with the way things are developing it looks as if things will get worse before they get better.

There are likely to be over 100 different MMS-capable phones by the end of this year, many of which aren’t mainstream - Danger, or Alphacell for example.

It gets worse.

These 100+ handsets all use different formats for the three potential parts of MMS – sound, still image, and video. In moving image, you have the Windows vs. RealPlayer battle – RAM, MPG, MOV etc. For still images, handsets could be using JPG, TIFF, GIF, BMP, or another alternative. Then there is sound, just when you thought it couldn’t get any more complicated. All in all, you already have thousands of possible combinations of MMS ‘DNA’ if you will, and that’s only based on existing formats.

Unfortunately, even if MMS formats were to be standardised tomorrow, it still wouldn’t solve the problem. Different handsets interpret MMS in a different presentation order, regardless of the format those three parts arrive in. Ironically, the technology at the heart of the problem that is making consumers and operators grimace alike, is synchronised multimedia integration language (SMIL), which is pronounced, "smile." SMIL was introduced in 1998 as a document type of XML, designed to ensure the audio, video and graphics elements were executed sequentially or in parallel. Unfortunately it wasn’t designed for use in MMS, which is why you get radically different results when you send MMS from, say, a SonyEriccson T68i to three different handsets.

For example, a Panasonic GD87 would cramp the sound part of the MMS to the same length of time that the first video frame lasted, resulting in truncated sound. A Sharp GX-10, conversely, would stretch the first frame of video to the length of the sound, resulting in good sound but a stalled moving picture. If a Nokia 7210 received the MMS, it simply wouldn’t play back at all. The consumer is not going to get the service they expect.

The problems are likely to multiply because there is no industry-wide testing process in place. Handset vendors are ignoring the MMS Conformance Document v2.0.0 because they want their products to market faster, and because the document is already out of date. For example, it makes no allowance for ring tone standardisation, but there is nothing new that can be enforced to ensure this problem does not spiral out of control.

Consumers using MMS will expect the same they get with SMS – an instant message and instant response. SMS catches up with the recipient wherever they are and a one-letter reply, ‘y’ or ‘n’, can acknowledge that an instruction is understood. Consumers expect MMS to do exactly the same, so no-one will be satisfied if an MMS takes up to 30 minutes to be delivered, which some are at the moment.

In order to solve handset problems then the common factor to consider, from the consumer’s point of view, is speed. Everything must be as it is on the web – just a few clicks away. Obtaining content should be completely menu-driven, not short code driven. The thin line will have to be trod between making content available and spamming, but this can be achieved. It just needs to be intuitive – MMS needs something like the purpose hotbar.com fulfils for e-mail. Content could be offered via means of the mobile handset equivalent of the BBC News Ticker on a PC desktop – available without interfering. Get this right, and there might be real revenue in MMS or content provision after all.

More ‘Back to Front’ Than ‘Back to Roots’

Video game review of "Tomb Raider: Angel of Darkness" for Sony Playstation 2 (PS2).
Published on ciao.co.uk, October 2003.

Well, after months and months of anticipation and innumerable postponements by publisher, Eidos, it's here. Overall it's not bad, but I think that if this is all that can be done with Lara on the PS2 vs. PSone format, then it might be time to retire the poor girl.

For forty quid you expect to at least be able to control Lara. Unfortunately she responds with all the urgency of a three-toed sloth in a coma. Ironically this means you're less likely to fall off a high ledge, but more likely to end up shouting at the screen when involved in a close-quarters combat situation. "MOVE!", "RUN!", "DO SOMETHING!" and far, far ruder cries rang around my flat the first time Lara came up against a boss. You do get used to it, but compared to other third-person games e.g. Syphon Filter, and previous Tomb Raiders, Lara behaves as if she's heavily sedated. The other annoying fact is that you can't sprint until almost the end of the game, and it isn't terribly obvious when she learns this ability. Make sure you note that she can belly-crawl too, as you'll need it to get under tripwires and laser-activated bombs (press and hold 'triangle', then tap L2).

My other initial impression of disappointment was of the level domains. This is a far cry from the stunning Sphinx room, Great Wall of China, or legendary "Cistern" level in the first couple of Tomb Raiders. Early on in the game the levels are cramped and linear - even Lara ironically complains, "Another cold, dark city..." as you arrive in Prague. It's not until you reach the Tomb of the Ancients or maybe the Bio-Dome that you start to see the jaw-dropping visuals and rendering the PS2 is capable of, but this is an original differentiator for Tomb Raider that Eidos really hasn't exploited much.

Tomb Raiders also used to be known for their puzzles. Maybe I'm getting cleverer, or just used to the format, but I breezed through this game and was only really stuck once, trying to figure out that the subtle change in The Keeper's behaviour meant the painting was up for grabs. There were scant few occasions when I entered a level, saw a high balcony or ledge and thought, "Wonder how I get up there", and then ended up getting to it an hour later having been round the houses. Shame.

Playing as a bloke (Kurtis) for a while is new, as are some of the weapons, belly-crawling, and climbing of drainpipes etc. Unfortunately Kurtis walks like a chimpanzee, complete with knuckles scraping the floor, and frustration is added to amusement when you realise that he wields what looks like a ninja throwing star equipped with AI only in the cut-scenes, not in the game.

All in all, Tomb Raider is still a good game by today's standards. If you haven't played the originals then it's up there with Timesplitters 2, Tenchu 3, and Syphon Filter. Unfortunately, Eidos set a high standard with the first game that's difficult to live up to, so TR fans might be a bit disappointed.

Final verdict - buy it if you're new to the series, wait for it on Platinum or promo-price if you're a fan.

Not what the doctor, or customer, ordered

Consumer review of Sony Ericsson T68i mobile phone.
Published on ciao.co.uk, October 2003.

I didn't actually want this phone.

I'd had my last mobile nicked, and when I rang Orange to get it replaced I specifically asked for something that didn't look flashy, and thus wouldn't be attractive to other, light-fingered people.

Oops. Enter the flashiest looking phone ever, complete with bullseye target for pickpockets.

The phone has character too - I'm just not sure which one, maybe Harry Hill. It seems to be stuck in a mode of permanent lateral thinking, though much of this could be put down to the fact that since buying my first mobile in 1997, I've always had Nokias until the last two.

For example, the phone was the first I'd had with a colour screen - wooo. You could tell the hearts and diamonds from the spades and clubs when playing Patience...except it's not called "Patience". In fact, Snake isn't called Snake, it's called "Erix". Reversi/Othello is called, "Contrary" (which better describes the phone than a game on it), and - according to Sony Ericsson at least - Battleships is called "Naval Fleet". All games come with a list of which keys to press but no actual objective or instructions, which is fine for all the above, but not for a game that SE calls "Q". The real game was trying to figure out what the hell it was, something that kept me preoccupied on long tube journeys until only two months ago.

The meagre ringer and SMS volume mean you can't actually hear the phone if it's in your bag or jacket pocket, which has been the cause of umpteen missed calls and texts, from potential job interviews to my girlfriend arranging plans for the evening. This is bad enough when - according to the experts - men are from Mars and women from Venus, but the T68i is from a different planet again.

Menus are overly long and complicated, but at the same time, simple things are difficult to find in it. After every call, a time summary is displayed on the phone's screen. Look back a few seconds later and the thing's still there! Try as I might, I can't get rid of it, so making two phone calls in quick succession is almost faster if you switch the phone off and on again....which is unfortunately something the phone does best on its own, despite the keylock.

In the last few days the phone has become gravely ill, taking to displaying just one of a possible five bars for network signal. Needless to say, everyone else's phone nearby has a full stack of bars, and so has this one - once you've removed the battery and replaced it again.

The basic requirements of a phone are the ability to make and receive calls, wherever you are. This mobile fails on both accounts, and I just can't recommend it. Time for an upgrade to Nokia again methinks...

...and don't get me started on the fiddly joystick thing.

Retail Banking: Mile Long Queues or Mile High Club?

Ghost-written article for Cisco Systems EMEA.
Published in Retail Banking magazine, UK, October 2003.

There were several set backs along the way – 9/11 most notably – but it is now almost safe to conclude that the travel industry is well on the way to embracing internet protocol (IP) as a quasi-industry standard for IT operations. Major global airlines are migrating their internal networks to IP, the major airline alliances are using IP as a commonality to enable inter-organisational communications, and the internet itself has rewritten the rankings of organisations within the travel industry, as well as creating whole new industry sub-sections.

What can this possibly have to do with retail banking? Well, the impact of the internet on the air transport part of the travel industry in particular has quickly demonstrated those areas where IP can be harnessed to reduce costs, improve operational efficiency, and enhance customer service. By default, it has also determined where IP is not suited. The main issue that determines this in the travel industry also determines it in the retail banking industry.

That issue is simply that there is still only a relatively small proportion of the travel market that will purchase a package holiday or flight online. Despite everything you’ve read or heard, high street travel agents are not going out of business, and they never will. The reason for this is two fold. Firstly, certain types of customer will always prefer face-to-face contact with the seller when making a purchasing decision. It feels more tangible, more ‘proper’, and with a particular person and location associated with the transaction, the customer feels more comfortable because a method or recourse, should something go wrong, is much more obvious. In this case, the quantity of people booking online will not change until the demographics of the target market age with time. The fact is, the younger you are, the greater the proportion of your life has been spent in the presence of the internet, and therefore the more comfortable you are with it.

Secondly, certain types of transaction are inherently complicated. A round-the-world trip using different airlines from different alliances, an expedition that – literally - required planes, trains and automobiles, or a solitary journey where the customer cannot specify either the departure or return date would be examples. This would give even a seasoned IP expert or systems integrator a run for their money, and where the customer is concerned, the human need for reassurance that everything has been booked correctly may require something more tangible than an e-ticket or a pop-up window stating, “Complete. Return to homepage?”.

Humans do not and, in fact, cannot cease this pattern of behaviour when they leave the travel agent having booked their holiday, and head for the bank to get their foreign currency. It’s of little surprise then that according to Datamonitor, in spite of online banking, telephone banking, and mobile payments, 79 per cent of European consumers prefer physically visiting their humble local bank branch over any other channel. Retail banking and travel are very similar in this respect, and it is likely that the more expensive the transaction being made, the more likely the customer will require face-to-face contact. Think about it at a personal level – if you wanted to arrange an overdraft or a loan, wouldn’t your first instinct be to meet the bank manager in person? To a lesser extent, the last time you had a cheque for a sizeable sum to pay into your bank account, did you trust the express pay-in envelope? Or, like me, did you queue in the bank, despite it taking a large proportion of your precious lunch hour, because you felt more comfortable seeing it passed over the counter than sitting at the bottom of a perspex box fixed to a pillar somewhere? Face-to-face contact is still essential where a large or complex transaction is concerned. For some people, such contact is essential for all transactions.

This is a headache for the retail banking industry. Despite investing in online banking, neither the cost of staffing a branch can be reduced nor the efficiency of it increased while customers still prefer to use the branch to any other channel. The most pessimistic banker might decide that IP had nothing to offer the retail banking industry because of this issue, but that is not necessarily the case.

One just needs to turn the problem on its head. Rather than just trying to harness the internet as a method to get customers to complete transactions themselves, IP can be used to improve the efficiency of not only one branch, but all branches in a banking empire. Once one has the opportunity to think about it, the fact that bank branches all over Europe are crammed with impatient customers in their lunch hour is actually a blessing in disguise. After all, how many organisations would love to be able to predict where their customers will be and when, so that promotional offers could be targeted at them? The fact that in retail banking the target customer is most likely to be inside a branch, presents an opportunity to communicate with them. The personnel each customer is exposed to within the branch offers another opportunity for that bank to differentiate itself through provision of superior service. Even the kiosks within the branch could offer revenue opportunities for the bank from third parties, a means to promote complimentary services, or the beginnings of CRM with a personalised experience for each individual.

From the customer’s point of view, imagine approaching the till merely to pay that same cheque in, but then being informed by the cashier that your mortgage quotation was ready to be collected. At the same time, you’re reminded with the gleeful news that there are now only two monthly payments left on the loan you took out 18 months ago (meaning you might be able to afford that skiing holiday after all), and that if you were to open a joint account with your fiancé rather than just having separate accounts, you’d both get a better rate of interest anyway. Before you leave, you’re also given the opportunity to have a quick chat to the manager about that long-term savings plan you’d telephoned a bank branch 50 miles away about earlier in the week, which you’d completely forgotten about.

Conversely, imagine operating a bank where particular products or services could be offered just once to a customer most likely to need it, with a greatly increased possibility of the service suiting that customer and therefore a successful sale. Imagine also that no selling time was wasted – ever. Your marketing department or their local branch targeted customers individually, rather than in a slapdash group of people of the same age, disposable income, or postcode. Also, particular products or services were discussed once and once only with each customer, and at the right time – no, “Didn’t you call me about this last week?” or, “You were supposed to get back to me about this a fortnight ago!” responses. All this is entirely feasible through IP.

So, how would IP let the cashier know about all the banking needs of an individual customer rather than just the one need they have at that moment in time? If your organisation is going to embrace IP, then the return on investment will be greater if the quantity of places where IP reaches can be maximised. Put simply, if your bank’s call centres and branches are both running on IP, then there is no reason why the information used by either party cannot be shared. All in all, this means the customer’s local branch will know when the head office has contacted someone regarding a new promotional offer, or in response to a request for information from that customer. Similarly head office will know how quickly the customer responded by visiting their local branch, what questions they asked, and how the eventual service was tailored when the sale was closed. This is just one possibility though. With the same technology, it is also possible to do this in reverse.

For example, if the customer should contact the head office from outside the branch, then an IP-based telephony system can direct that individual’s call immediately to the personnel with appropriate expertise in the head office. However, the same call could also be redirected to someone working within the customer’s local branch, to the extent that the IP system will intuitively page the particular member of staff needed, wherever they are. This benefits the customer experience by ensuring that query calls are not endlessly transferred to various members of staff not equipped to answer the customer’s questions. It also means that the customer’s local branch will be able to develop a more comprehensive understanding of each customers’ lifestyle and needs, and therefore be able to tailor their overall retail banking experience to suit. In short, IP isn’t just a way to improve your telephony; it’s the start of an enterprise-wide CRM system, and the beginning of the end for missed opportunities to up-sell or cross-sell.

IP does not have to be restricted to its native ground of networked PCs and telephones. In-branch security surveillance could also run on IP, deliver real-time camera footage to the bank’s head office or, if needs be, the police. However, the same footage could be used by the bank’s marketing department to assess the impact of an in-store point of sale or other promotional campaign. Staffing levels could also be monitored, even customer behaviour in relation to new branch layouts and signage. Peak traffic times could be ascertained and staffing guidelines adapted accordingly. There is no limit to what can be done if the appropriate information is shared with those personnel that most need it.

As far as the customer is concerned, a trip to the local bank will never be like going on holiday – there is only so much that IP can do! However, once you accept that until the entire population of Europe becomes so comfortable with the internet that they never need to visit their branch, then the same issue that affects the travel industry will continue to affect the retail banking industry. Even if you ignore the issue, then one still has to accept that there are many opportunities for high street banks. Sales can be increased, customer satisfaction levels can be improved, and generally the bank stands to gain from literally wringing the most productivity out of the information its already has. John Paul Getty once said, “Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells”. Metaphorically, information is the same. Once you realise that the best way to use it is to spread it around your organisation, then the only thing left to do is to decide how - and IP is the answer.

SAS Veteran Defeated by Cardboard Box

Video game review of "Conflict" Desert Storm II" for Sony Playstation 2 (PS2).
Published on ciao.co.uk, October 2003.

Yes, it’s true. No sooner had Bradley, the leader of my SAS team-of-four, escaped from his cell in an Iraqi POW camp after it was hit by a laser-guided bomb dropped from an allied stealth bomber, he managed to get stuck in a dimly lit pile of cardboard boxes behind a secluded shed. Well, I guess all that time abroad away from his girlfriend, and the lack of privacy available in the army, all that stress…

Mind you, while the standard issue for said team of four includes primary and secondary weapons (machine gun or telescopic rifle, plus handgun or shotgun for close-quarters-battle), a handful of claymore mines, a couple of grenades (fragmentation and phosphorus), and half-a-dozen medipacks amongst others, there’s no mention of a box of Kleenex or girlie mags. Anyway, when needed, you’ll also be let loose with a laser designator to call in air strikes from gunships, LAW anti-tank hand-held missile launchers, or C4 with a remote control detonator. I’m hoping the latter might be in the shops soon, what with Guy Fawkes’ Night just around the corner. However, before I ramble into any more detail, let’s talk about why I’ve got this game in the first place.

When I got wind of the game publishers SCI doing a second game in the “Conflict: Desert Storm” series, but with a different designer (in this case, Pivotal Games) I was worried that a brilliant game would end up dismantled. Far from it, “II” is basically ‘more of the same’. If the first Desert Storm had needed much improvement then more of the same would be a disaster. As it is, this is basically a levels add-on pack the same size, if not bigger, than the original…and it’s great. Cross-fertilise “Medal of Honour: Frontline” with the famed “Command & Conquer: Red Alert” series on the PC, multiply good graphics by pi and add on your date of birth for good measure and you’ve got the gist. It looks good, it plays better, and is more addictive than skittles (the sweets, not the game).

This is basic one-mission-at-a-time, control a team of four, action game. There is no plot (this is war) and no sub-plots (this is the SAS, or US Delta Force as you prefer) – you follow orders, dammit. Note that you only get the same set of missions regardless of which of the two forces you choose, it just depends whether you’d prefer to be controlling four paranoid, trigger happy ex-colonials called Chad, Biff, Chip and Brad, or the SAS. The whole concept is based on the shenanigans of the special forces behind enemy lines before, during, and shortly after the Gulf War, and comprises typical ‘removal’ of key generals, key installations, and rescue of critical POWs. The only bonuses are those for stealth kills or going berserk in battle against overwhelming odds and managing to come out alive. The former involves using a silenced weapon, often from a long way away, or a knife, and the latter usually involves a lot of re-loading your last saved game.

However, don’t go mad with those ‘saves’. At least one ‘official’ Playstation 2 magazine claims you can save each level as many times as you like, but I’ve played the game version you buy on the street, and only ever been able to save any one level three times maximum. Beware! You need to be careful where you save. The first game was the same, which adds partially to the frustration but ultimately Pivotal’s attempt to make it realistic. Here’s a couple of tips so you don’t get too discouraged – on the “Chemical Warfare” level, save your game before you go through the door. On the “Air Cover” level, save your game before you press the button. You’ll be glad you did.

Anyway, if you’re anything like me you’ll kick off with the Full Metal Jacket-stylee training camp first. I know it seems dull, but do it – you’ll need to get to grips with ordering your team around because the quickest way to fail a mission is to have all your team bunched together when a T-72 tank or Iraqi with an RPG meanders round the corner. Once you’re in-country (oh yes, I know all the lingo) you’ll have a team comprising an expert in anti-tank/machine guns, a stealth and demolitions expert, a sharpshooter, and an all-rounder who’s also the leader. You’ll also need to pick a level to play the game at i.e. easy, medium, or hard, but remember dammit, this is war y’know, so there are no re-charge points, checkpoints, or anything else. The menu screens are fairly slick once you get the hang of them, and loading times bearable, even after you’ve just snuffed it….and then you’re off.

Game controls are intuitive and can be reprogrammed if you disagree. Sending your soldiers every which way is pretty easy, though knowing the best way to do it doesn’t come until you start to get into it more. When you first start, the temptation is to career into the Iraqi camp with all four of you in the jeep, so you can let loose with the mounted machine gun and rocket launcher. The most expeditious way to complete this part of the level, however, is to send Foley in first to do a bit of sneaky sniping.

You’ll soon realise that reconnaissance is an essential part of every mission. There are only four of you, and starting a pitch invasion isn’t a good idea if half the Iraqi army is waiting on the subs bench. Thus you’ll find yourself mercilessly strategising over each level, testing different routes, and using each team member’s own devious expertise against the opposition as you tiptoe through the streets of Baghdad or the sand of Iraq. Being able to call up a map of the locality helps with this, but while you’re doing it, you’ll realise it’s now one o’clock in the morning and you’ve eaten nothing, washed up nothing, and done nothing except play “Conflict: Desert Storm II” on the Playstation 2 since you got in from work. It’ll probably be dark, cold (because you haven’t switched on the central heating), and you’ll just have realised you’re still wearing the same coat and shoes you put on when you left the flat this morning when the sound of your girlfriend’s key turning in the door lock to your flat stirs you into action. Cue panic, yanking of plugs from power sockets, followed by an unusually generous offer to take your girlfriend out to dinner as you collide whilst trying to intercept her on the stairs. This gives you time to figure out how you’re going to do the washing-up before she see the flat, but then there’s the problem that you’ll have to do it while eating in the restaurant at the same time…

Suffice to say this game is very, very addictive. There’s the fact that different methods can be employed to achieve the same goals. There’s the fact that straying off the path slightly will often lead to an armoury where you’ll discover extra medikits, grenades, or Iraqi weapons to use…and you can’t beat spraying the bad guys with an AK-47. All the time you’ll be trying to do it a different way in order to receive more medals and promotions when you complete the mission and, in fact, while the missions are probably fairly repetitive in retrospect, I could quite easily pay for a whole lot more of the same.

Y’see, there’s always something new to learn. Once you’ve mastered the basic arts of covert operations then the Desert Storm version of cow-tipping i.e. ‘tank-tipping’ will keep you amused for hours. Tanks are a big problem, quite literally. You can hear ‘em coming from miles off but all it takes is a quick peek round the wrong corner and it’s all over (thus you’ll need to learn this method as well). You’ll need to get to grips with smoke grenades, which seem pointless until you realise they’re the only way you can complete some missions, and find yourself scouring outhouses for more of them. You’ll need to know the difference between LAWs and RPGs, because one of them won’t take a tank out unless you can figure out a way to shoot the tank right up the flue with it (the “Besieged” level will teach you this, one way or the other). Then there’s the anti-tank mine to figure out, and the best use of the rest of your demolitions portfolio. Another tip here – if you’ve planted C4 to blow up an installation, then move to a location that can be easily defended, or better still your next objective before you set it off. Achieving objectives like this often triggers the arrival of enemy soldiers en masse.

With Foley you’ll need to master the ability to roll from side-to-side whilst zoomed-in with the telescopic site, or you’ll be instant hamburger the minute someone realises the SAS are in town. By the time you get to the “Air Cover” level, you’ll need to know absolutely everything, including where best to leave a Claymore mine lying around. This is an excellent, excellent mission, and for the first time you’ll literally be in a running battle, having to position your men so that you’re covered from attack from behind as well as in front of you. Play this mission on the hard level and the game will last you a whole lot longer.

The game ain’t perfect though. I got caught out by the ‘game saving’ limitations and ended up having to do a couple of difficult levels from scratch. However, far more annoying was the problem of inventory items disappearing into thin air when trying to pass them from one soldier to another. Spreading your medikits, grenades, and (especially) RPGs between you is crucial, but when you receive an “UNABLE TO TRANSFER” message on the screen as you’re sharing out the last things that can possibly defeat a tank, it’ll infuriate you. I managed to lose about eight clips of ammo and an RPG, when I really needed it, for absolutely no reason whatsoever, and I never did manage to find out why it happened so I can’t even tell you how to avoid the same problem yourself. Then there’s the fact that while a soldier can bring down a helicopter gunship with a machine gun – eventually – it’s still possible to get him stuck behind or between parts of the scenery. This happened to me a couple of times, leading to a so-called battle hardened soldier floundering like a kipper as an Iraqi soldier slowly but surely killed him with little more than a potato gun. Hence the title of my review, which describes a situation where a humble cardboard box led to me having to switch my PS2 off and on again.

The other recurrent problem is the inability to identify a weapon you’ve found before you actually pick it up. You might have no ammo left, and be totally reliant on scavenging a weapon from somewhere to avoid trying to beat an Iraqi soldier with a combat knife when he’s got a bazooka. In this situation it doesn’t help that if the same soldier picks up two versions of the same weapon, then you’re stuffed. Why? Because ALL the ammo he has automatically falls into one of the two weapons, and you can’t share ammo once it’s allocated to a weapon. You’ll end up in the situation where Connors has an AKSU with 1,000 rounds in it, and Jones has the same weapon with a measly 30 rounds. This is enough of a pain in the arse on its own, but having two very similar looking weapons in the game (the AK-47, and the AK-74) means that you’ll probably make this mistake more than once. Fighting a gun battle in an aircraft hangar when all one of your soldiers has left is a pistol isn’t easy, not when it’s about a mile from one end of the hangar to the other.

However, spread over ten or so levels and at least a month of avid gameplay, these problems soon disappear. Overall, this is an absolutely stonking game, and well worth the 30 or 40 quid. By now you’ll be able to buy pre-owned copies, which will save you a bundle and further increase the value. Like me, you’ll probably be wishing there was more of it, but hey, with US troops all over Iraq at the moment, and Bush’s tendency to invade other countries combined with Blair’s tendency to follow him blindly, then it won’t be long be long before there’s more content matter to use as the basis for a C:DS III. Let’s hope so (about the game, not the real life stuff).